A Fallen Angel's Viewpoint

Today was a bit of a mixed bag.

On the good side, i got my holiday dates confirmed off work (yay), which means i go to Barcelona during my birthday week! And, also, a new vacancy came up at work, for a weekend supervisor! Hehe, straight in there much..

On the down side.. i found out a friend of mine is cutting herself. As i'm meant to be her 'best friend', i felt guilty for not knowing, and a bit angry that she could do that to herself.

The down side happened most recent, so now i'm feeling a bit down..

I feel like i'm turning ito my parents somehow.

During my theatre studies lesson yesturday, two of the girls in my class were taling while our teacher was out of the class getting photocopies.

I didn't know half of the slang words they were saying! Neither did most of the rest of the class for that matter.

I swear, when i'm 40 odd, and i have kids of my own (or should that be 'if'?), they'll be using slang words that are so out of this world, i won't understand anthing they say!

Daunting thought..

Oasis - Stop Crying Your heart Out

Hold up
Hold on
Dont be scared
Youll never change whats been and gone

Were all of us stars
Were fading away
Just try not to worry
Youll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

I went to the college ultra early to tell my tutor.

I can;t beleie i was so scared.. my heart was pounding so fast the whole time and i know i was trembling. My tutor was lovely about it. Talked me through it because he could see i was scared. He had to get the head of school in because of how serious this is (physical evidence was pretty obvius because the bruises have got worse overnight and my head feels like it's swollen to football size).

I ended up crying. how dumb. I havn't cried since my nanna died last year, so why now?

But you know what? I'm glad i did. Cry i mean, let the emotion out. Because otherwise i would have got angrier and angrier inside, and got so much loathing for myself for letting it happen, that i would have selfdescruted.

People that read my blog may remember me saying about a girl that had been bullying me?

Well..

It's ended badly. Her and three friends sneaked up on me in the toilets and gave me, it's fair to say, a bad beating. I'm pretty badly bruised right now, but feel surpriseingly cheerful. The horrible empty feeling i got last time i got a beating like this will sink in in a few hours time i reckon..

It's like everyone i know has a boyfriend/girlfriend or is yearning after one.

I'm feeling very abnormal for not having one.. and being happy!

The singleton club ( a 'club' myself and some friends set up at the start of A levels when we all realised we were singletons) is down to two members, me and my best friend. And she's got her eye on some bloke..

Maybe i'll just be a rebel and continue the way i am.

I am

I am the one that could never stand tall
The one person you really wanted to fall
I don't know what i did, but somehow it seems
You wanted to rip up my memories, my dreams

I would try to skip school, just to avoid the words
That you always threw at me, like the peck of the birds
pushes, jibes, punches and pulls
if this was a game, you never followed the rules.

But i've finally learned, i'm stronger then you
I could withstand the taunts and the punches too
So i'm telling you now, i will never give in..
I'm going to fight.. and i'm aiming to win.

Yeah.. dark mood much.. I'm not expecting anyone to say it's good, i know it's not. I just wanted to put it up.

My head is hurting so bad today.

Three of my friends turned up last night outside work when i was leaving, to 'cheer me up' (i havn't been feeling 100% recently, and they noticed that).

Their idea of cheering me up is giving me really strong alcohol without me knowing and getting me drunk.. on a college night!

So now i'm at college... extremely tired and with a killer headache. Plus i'm on a 9 til 5 day! How much worse can it get?

I havn't seen one of my friendsfor ages, and i agreed to go to his birthday celebrations in March.

Well.. at least i DID

Up until i found out he's booked them for the same night as a big family get together my randfather has planned.

Dammit!

That's made me feel so guilty, and so sad, because he's my best guy friend currently, and i miss him so much..

*sigh* life's never simple, is it?

Oh, one other thing.. can someone give me a tag?

Ok, i wasn't around last night becauuuse..

I was at a concert!!

Shayne Ward (the guy who one the x factor in 2005 for those who don't know)

My friends dad got us seats real close, and it was a incredible night. Only thing is, i did my throat in, so when i talked to customers at work today i sounded like a frog with a throat infection >.>

Oh well, 'twas worth it.

I got a programme, and there's now a real big poster blutacked over my bed, hehe!

xx

Ugh..

I#ve had about 25 hours worth of driving lessons now.. nad though i can drive, and my driving instructor has said im doing fine.. i've got a bit of self doubt.

I've passed my theory (thats something at least).. but i don't feel like i'll ever pass my practical.. uck, frustration!

For Theatre Studies, we do one devised piece, which coutns towards 40% of our grade. My group have decided to do a scene on..

The Seven Deadly Sins

.. Appropriate, according to the way i'm currently feeling.

Hehe, research definately needs to be done on these now.

This is a sort of rant.. a sort of plea for advice too..

I think i'm being bullied.. no, i know i am. By a girl who i have two classes with a week. She snipes at me during the lessons, and today it went up a level, as i heard her saying some really nasty comments about me when i was in the toilets (she knew i was there.. she deliberately wanted me to hear i think).

I'm so annoyed.. i havn't been bullied since secondary school! Why now, when i've got my confidence back?! Because i'm clever? Because i've managed to get A grades?! Oh, that's mature.. (note the sarcasm)

I know i won't be able to get away from this (i'm not dropping from college for this), and telling a tutor won't work (someone else did that to her, and was in hospital hte next day). Basically, i'm stuck...

This will be a list. Songs that are highlighted are the mot important to me. If you want to know what their like, download them, or message me, and i'll see about sending them over to you.

Who Knew - Pink
What's Left of Me - Nick Lachey
Kiss From a Rose - Seal
Numb - Linkin Park
Fallen Leaves - Billy Talent
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana or Tori Amos
Broken - Seether
You Know My Name - Chris Cornell
Shackles - Vertical Horizon
Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
You Had Me - Joss Stone
Stop - Jamelia
Thank You - Jamelia
Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day
Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
Everytime We Touch (moonlight version) - Cascada
Everything Burns - Ben Moody Ft. Anastacia
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
Affirmation - Savage Garden

Yes, i am a rock chick

I have this thing i do, once i'm home from college, when nobody else is here.

I get on my laptop, turn on really good music, and jump around the room like a maniac. Not only does it get rid of all my pentup energy and let me focus on coursework, it's relaly good of if i'm really frustrated!

They do say the best therapy is music..

I have five days a week at college (though to be fair one of those doesn't start til 3.30.. wierd), and then i do four hours Saturday and four hours Sunday at lovely ol' Primark.

Now, if i had any other manager then the one i have, everything would be A'OK. But, i have my manager. He can be lovely, with everythings going to plan. But that is very, very rare.

For example; yesturday, rather then letting myself and another girl carry on with our normal jobs (i have a section of the floor that i clean up, and i'm reliable on that), he had us doing five different jobs in the space of 30 minutes.

I'm one of those people that just gets on with things (too quiet for my own good), but the other girl got seriously annoyed. By the end of the night, my manager was threatening to tell the General Manager of the store, to which the girl replied "You do that. I'll tell him what a sexist pig you are!" Ouch.

At least college isn't quite so eventful.. most days.

So, this is my first blog entry.

hopefully i'll actually be interesting when I post.

I will express my own viewpoints, if you want to discuss them, let me know, i'm fine with that!